Good morning! If you are on my email list you have (or will!) receive my first Go Vegan with JL newsletter today! I hope you enjoyed it! I look forward to sharing more tips like this:
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Today I wanted to talk about something very personal and very public. It’s about my husband – that’s personal. It’s about being a vegan blogger and a vegan lifestyle coach – that’s public.
A reader sent a message on my Facebook Page over the weekend in response to a post about a vegan dish prepared by my omnivore husband. She wrote to ask why I use the phrase “omnivore husband” so often; she said that it causes her pause. She continued:
JL—I am confused at why you can have so much compassion towards animal and have an omnivore husband? Why has he not transitioned like you?
I responded:
The reason I say “omnivore husband” is to let other people know they are not alone if they live in a mixed house. It brings more people in than alienates. I get so many emails from women who are going to leave a vegan diet because of their husbands. That would be horrible! I remind all of us that we can live joyful, vegan lives that are not contingent on others.
When my husband and I married we both ate meat. Are you suggesting that I give him an ultimatum or divorce him for not thinking and believing as I do? I don’t think you are. And I wouldn’t. I went Buddhist seven years into our marriage. He could have left me, or “demanded” that I remain Christian. But he didn’t because he knows that he married an equal, not someone he could boss or order around. Years later, he too became Buddhist, on his own. I am living a joyfully vegan life and my omnivore husband dines out with me at vegan restaurants and he makes me vegan meals. Each time he is eating vegan with me he is not eating an animal. That brings me immense joy. If he ever goes vegan, it will because he had a profound reason for doing so – and will therefore be more likely to remain vegan. Becoming something for someone else is never as powerful as becoming something for yourself.
How exactly does living with a non-vegan work?
- He purchases his own animal products (meat, dairy, eggs).
- He prepares his own meals with animal products.
Do we eat together? Of course! In fact, we are usually both in the kitchen together when we make our meals. He usually makes our vegan salad and he enjoys the sides I make (grains, veggies, etc). He eats six to eight vegan meals a week, something unheard of two years ago.
I admit that living in a two-adult / no children home does make it “easier.” Other vegan mentors and friends live in similar mixed situations. Lorin wrote about it recently: Cooking for a Multivore Household. Lee, of The Vegan Version is vegan, her children are on a vegetarian journey and her husband, well, not so much. The Lusty Vegan column, on I Eat Grass, tackled the dating issue recently, too: How Do Food Politics Affect Our Love Lives?
What does this have to do with my coaching?
Well, I suppose someone could look at this and think “If she can’t make her husband vegan, how can she make anyone else vegan?” Because no one made me vegan. I came to it on my own. I became vegetarian because of a goat. I transitioned, over eight years, to a vegan diet on my own. I was encouraged to consider the ethics of veganism by many but I ultimately came to claim the label “ethical vegan” on my own.
I do not coach to make anyone anything. My clients approach me because they want to explore being vegan. My role is that of guide, educator, listener, and cheerleader. I don’t change my clients. I don’t judge my clients. I provide a space for them to transition to what feels right and good for them.
There’s a difference between “making” people vegan and simply encouraging a compassionate lifestyle by living one. That’s my approach in my personal life and my public life.
My name is JL and I am a vegan. My husband is not. But yesterday my loving husband figured out how to make homemade vegan caramel corn for my birthday, because that’s what I wanted.
I could not be more grateful for my supportive, loving, and compassionate husband. He is not vegan. Yet.
54 thoughts on “Confessions of a vegan lifestyle coach: I have an omnivore husband”
Comments are closed.
JL- you are truly an inspiration. I agree, you cannot “make” someone vegan. Every vegan meal I enjoy with my omnivore husband (and there are many) is a gift! He is eating better, enjoying foods he did not know he liked,and more importantly is supportive of my lifestyle and choices. He may not ever get to where I am but I love and respect him. Like you, we were both meat eaters when we met; I do not love him less for continuing to eat meat but I do love him more for the incredible support he gives me as I take this vegan journey. Keep doing what you do, I love your honesty and openness as well as your willingness to bring out into the open the “tough” discussions. -Lee
Thank you, Lee, for the comment. I think you do a great job with your “multivore” family while staying true to your convictions!
AND he is a wonderful person, in general! xo!
Did I forget to mention that?! He is, indeed! 🙂
Good post, JL!
Thanks!
Good post, JL!
Hey, Sam, nice to see you! And thanks!
This incredible article really hit home but not in the way you might expect. You helped me to realize that I need to be more grateful for my husband’s support than upset he hasn’t converted to veganism too. While he has changed his diet dramatically, he has not bought into the idea of omitting dairy or the occasional poultry dish (but only when dining out). He does not want to be educated either (which frustrates me to no end). But he is very supportive of my choices and has been vocal about how much he appreciates the way we eat (he eats mostly vegan at home because I make the food ;). Putting it the way you did… you know, that he could just as easily have said, “You eat meat or I’m leaving you” put things in perspective. Thank you so much!
Sherry, thank you so much for sharing here! You bring up such a great point that I too want to remember. Be grateful along the journey, not just at the final outcome. Thank you!
Happy Birthday JL! Hope you enjoyed that popcorn.
I think it seems like you have a respectful relationship already and so that is the foundation for how you can make your dietary differences work. I know that some women who are vegan still cook meat for their husbands; I can’t imagine how hard that would be as an ethical vegan. So I think that your husband realizes it’s something he needs to prepare himself is considerate.
Thanks for the b-day wishes, Bitt! The popcorn rocked!
You are right, our relationship is rooted in respect and from that comes understanding and acceptance even when we may not completely agree or understand the other perspective.
Loved this. I’ve been vegetarian for a few years and now eat a mostly vegan diet (working towards a completely vegan diet). My husband is an omnivore. To make things more difficult he is also extremely picky. He cooks for himself but we make every effort to eat together, and if something can be made both vegan/omni we will try to eat the same thing (for example on Sunday he had homemade pizza with dairy cheese, while I made mine with basil cashew cheeze and topped it with roasted tomatoes – we were both satisfied but felt like we were sharing a meal). Would I like him to transition to vegetarian? I’d love it. But it has to be his decision. So nice to hear from someone else who can relate. 🙂
Thanks for jumping in, Jen! You nailed it – do I want him to be vegan? YES! When he comes to it (because I want him vegan for life!)
Love this post! My partner Paul is an omni too, and so often, my coupled vegan friends express their confusion over how, after 7 years, Paul is still eating meat. But that’s his choice. And though I was vegetarian when we met, I went vegan later. And I can’t exactly leave him because he didn’t go vegan with me, right? If he comes to veganism, he’ll do so on his own….just like I did. It’s a personal choice, and we cannot force our veganism on anyone, even the ones we love the most.
Bianca, thank you for sharing this- I’m loving this that other public vegans are jumping in to share their own experiences. It’s a reminder to everyone that there is no one “perfect” type of vegan, vegan home, vegan situation, etc.
I love this, JL! (Especially the “yet” 😉 ).
He he
I can relate! I live in a mixed marriage too. I love your quote: “There’s a difference between ‘making’ people vegan and simply encouraging a compassionate lifestyle by living one.” This is so true on many levels and something people might not consider when it comes to dating or marrying an omnivore. It’s not a sin!
Nicole, thank you for jumping in! I appreciate your perspective!
well said JL. as with anything, it is ever so important for individuals to come to their own decisions in their own time. when my husband and i first met i was a vegetarian and he ate meat. it was never a focal point in our relationship, but over the years he became more interested and engaged in the ethics of his choices, eventually becoming a vegetarian himself 4 years ago. when i transitioned to vegan over 2 years ago he joined me too (of his own free will – not at my request) a few short months later. but had he not, i certainly wouldn`t love him any less.
Equally well said, Jess! Thank you!
Great post, JL. Two of my sons are in relationships with omnivores, and although I wish everyone (on earth!) were vegan, I wouldn’t dream of suggesting they do as I do. Maybe some day they will decide to live a plant-based life, but for now, we respect each others’ choices. I was a vegetarian before my husband was, but we became vegan together. The word “yet,” is filled with possibilities. 🙂
Andrea, such a great point about “other” family – and who they love. Thanks for sharing this. I love the word “yet” He even says it sometimes, too 🙂
My husband also is a meat eater, and won’t even try anything I eat, however, he does prepare my meals, and better than I could. He loves the way I eat and never tries to get me to eat animal product with him. When he makes his pizza, he makes my pizza, when he does sausage and peppers, he does peppers and onions for me, when he does spaghetti and meatballs, he makes me Bocca Crumble sauce for me. It works for us. We have been together for 31 years married for 26 and I became a vegetarian 6 years ago,and a vegan 3 years ago. Great hearing from others.
I absolutely LOVE that your hubby makes your meals – 31 years later! That is so awesome, Lisa!
*applause* In my years of dating, I dated a lot of folks who were not vegan or vegetarian. I admit that dating someone who is can be easier (and the excitement of planning a trip all around food doesn’t hurt!). If we love people for who they are, that means the whole package. I think RESPECTING EACH OTHER is more important than agreeing 100% of the time, or seeing things exactly the same way.
My boyfriend went vegan (from vegetarian) a few months back, and broke the news casually one day to say he’d been doing it for 2 weeks! I thought it was wonderful that he came to it on his own. (I’d still love him just as much if that never happened.) You’re so right — that’s when it sticks: when values are owned by the person and they aren’t just projected by someone else. Thanks for this story, JL.
Jaime, I’m really glad your brought in the dating perspective. Thank you!
Weird! I was just wondering yesterday how it was for you being married to an omni and was thinking that it would be cool if you wrote about it and…here it is! As usual, you are the voice of reason. My hub is vegan, but if he decided for any reason that he wanted to do something different, there is no way I would leave my guy…I’d bop him over the head, but I wouldn’t leave him. Happy Birthday!!!
LOL, Constance! And thanks for the b-day wishes!
Great post, JL. My husband and I went vegetarian together about 5 years ago. While I was grateful that he made the same choice that I did, I did not demand that he change. I simply told him that it was time that I stopped eating animals and he decided that he wanted to do so too.
When I took the next step to become vegan, that was much more difficult for him. When he eats at home, no problems he is happy to eat what I prepare, but on his own he is not the careful label reader that I am, and still has that occasional cheese craving. Do I love him less? Of course not. I know that veganism is a journey, and at least he is traveling in the right direction.
Indeed the right direction!
Happy Birthday JL! I completely agree that you cant “make” anyone vegan.if i can inspire, help, educate anyone on the journey, i would be really happy. My husband took a couple of months longer to complete his transition, but i so love the fact that he was open to the change, trying to find his own reasons( which were more factual and environmental) among my ethical reasons usually sprinkled with too much emotion :).
It feels so good when someone leaves a comment on the blog saying that this is going to be their meat replacement meal for the day every other week or that their veggie hating teenagers loved it:)
I agree, @twitter-137242907:disqus!
must be nice to have an open minded man like that Kudos to your hubby Richa
Thank you soo much for this post (as you can see, I’m a bit slow in reading some posts). I live with an omnivore as well, who left his country (his very very far away country), his family and his job for me. And well, while we were just trying to adjust to our new life, I went vegan. Just like that, no warning (well, I had been reading Eating Animals), one day I ate meat, and the next, nada. It was complicated at first, as I have non-vegetarian kids from a previous relationship (oldest son has since become vegetarian on his own), but we have now managed through it, and try to laugh at the strange situations our eating habits can bring. And of course, I would not trade him for the world. Life with an omni CAN be good.
Oh and Happy belated birthday. Totally love you blog, up here in Montreal.
Natalie, thank you so much for joining the conversation! You demonstrate that this is really about love and understanding. And first comes love!
This is really interesting to me, because I’m not sure how things would have worked out if I had gone vegan after my partnership with my significant other. I imagine the transition would be harder, because the social aspect of eating is pretty central to me (as is the whole preparation of food thing.)
My partner went vegan a month or two after we started living together (from full on omnivore,) and considering when we first started dating, veganism was not at all on his mind (neither was dating a vegan – whoops) I’m pretty proud of him for getting there. I think the positivity and really good food helped make it happen – but he likes to say it was just logically consistent 🙂
That said, we could have just as easily ended up as an dualvore household. I already loved him as an omnivore, I love him as a vegan. 🙂
@MeShellG:disqus , that last sentences sums it up for me. When we married we were both omnivores. I loved him them, I love him now. And frankly, this guy is my biggest fan when it comes to my vegan lifestyle coaching and education!
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Thanks, @je_ramos:disqus!
Sadly I am the opposite.I look at him and can’t get over the fact that he has been gnawing on fleshy dead carcass.I do not want to kiss him and have found that there are less and less things I can see holding us together.He does nothing to even try to change, he comes up with every excuse in the book from he can’t get the items to he thinks it’s bland.I am now seeing that he is unhealthy in many ways.He is overweight(turn off romantically again) He has many health issues (although he is too stubborn to get a check up) And he has what I call meat hormone anger issues.(He called our child by the wrong name and got so mad that he actually punched a hole in our wall)Not to mention he is “old fashioned” meaning his mother raised him to be a mans man and the woman is just a woman and the opinions she has do not matter or he doesn’t take anything I say seriously.Just very dismissive.I feel that this is the final straw in the camels backpack.Anyone else grossed out by meat eaters kissing them? I see on vegan blogs (not this one thus far) that MANY women /men feel as I do.
My wife is vegan. I am not. She slowly became vegan as she was a vegetarian for two years first. We first had our difference in opiniom where she told me she didnt want to purchaae food for me if i was to eat meat. If seemed insane to me but i came around to understanding why. Then she became a vegan and at that point claimed she wouldnt ourchase food for me that associated anything with animals, therefore eliminating my plain ceaser salads because of the dressing. She &i had a long talk i love seafood and chicken and i dont eat chicken often id rather eat seafood honestly. She has cooked vegan ground beef and vegan meatballs and they were delicious. I enjoyed them. She then asked me why is it if i know & im aware of the cruelty do i still consume milk/cheese/chicken/fish. She considera me to be selfish, she in the early stages has said she would never hold me not being a vegetarian /vegan against me cause we were both not so when we met and got married. But now she has claimed that it means so much to her that she isnt wanting me to change for her but for my self. She claims that she doesnt know if years from now if she will be truly happy in marriage with somone who can be so selfish . I asked her what about all of our friends my family her family etc. We have really really good friend good honest caring ppl. What about them. She speaks as that if she needs to she will stop talking to them if necessary because they know enough about veganism and if they choose to still support the animal cruelty aspect then why would she want them in her life… i proclaimed to her that when we first met i was catholic and she still is on the side of being athiest because she feels religion is a dangerous topic and so controversial etc. But i never gave her an ultimatum or ever judged her for not believing or believing as much as i do. Not to say many of my own views on religion has changed but i still believe. But i love her as a person as my wife . And thats how she proclaimed the scenario about being a vegetarian at first etc. However now she is speaking like I’ve previously described. I feel that she is almost too deep into the transformation that she has put it above me and our loved ones… as to say that we should feel guilty and selfish, that we are acting like pieces of shit when we know how we are contributing to this animal cruelty problem. And she might not want to associate with anyone who does so. I need some advice. .
I’m not so sure I have advice. I can just say that in our home, we approached this issue as any other difference of opinion that came up – smoking, religion, politics – which was to find a way to be kind and gentle in our different opinions and come to an agreement on boundaries.
Hi
Wow!! I am desperate… I was reading every single article I could find on this matter and here I found my almost exact case!! Thank you sooo much for this…I’m a 30 year old woman, have been married one full year, and have a one year old baby girl. (My husband and I have been together since we were 18…12 years total) the thing is that I just started this vegetarian/ Buddhist transition. I have a little backyard and every dog/cat/ pigeon that I find in the streets I take and shelter so my house is like a little animal palace. I have been trying to become vegetarian/vegan because of my love for animals, but my husband could not care less.. he says “meat is in the market anyways why not eat it?” The thing is, he does not like seafood nor vegetables and he is stubborn af. So, I don’t want my baby growing up seeing her mom protective of animals and her dad eating them. I love him but I love animals soo much. I Even told him I was thinking of separating. I don’t know what else I can do. I sometimes think I can be happier alone because I don’t want a freezer filled with meat.. or a meat eater at my table. I don’t know how to manage this..Please help me I am desperate.
Thank you for this – it is obviously quite a common issue. I had been becoming a little frustrated that my husband isn’t more open to veganism. At least your husband cooks – mine buys his meat, fish and dairy (thankfully no eggs), but leaves it for me to cook. I don’t prepare meat, but I remove it from the bag/packet and place it on a baking tray in the oven, and lift it onto his plate. There would be a ‘major’ incident if I said he had to do this for himself! I became vegetarian 4 years ago and this is my vegan transitioning year! We’ve been married 46 years we were both meat eaters for most of that time, although I always wanted to try vegetarian at least. Once we became empty nesters, I took the opportunity. He does sometimes eat vegan dishes that I prepare (when there is nothing else on offer). He never says it was delicious – he is fairly condescending as he scrapes the plate clean. “That wasn’t bad, was it?” is the best I can hope for. I do agree that it is his choice to eat what he wants, just as it is mine. I wouldn’t dream of telling him or anyone else what to do. That is their decision to make.
Thanks for comment, @createwithbarbbl:disqus . You just never know what might happen. Dave has now been vegan for three years. He came to veganism on his terms, with his reasons, and that’s why he’s stayed vegan. Hang in there! Keep doing what’s best for YOU!
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I could never go back to the way it was before. I fully believe that plant based is a better and healthier way to go. My husband will continue to do what he does despite the evidence.
I became a vegan because of a goat too!!! So much of your story is my story minus the supporting husband. It’s an annoying boyfriend of 5 years that still asks me to make him tuna sandwiches and gets upset when I tell him no. I’ve been vegan for almost two years and the only other vegans I know are on the internet.