17 years of marriage: How mutual respect shaped our vegan journey.

Dave and I got married 17 years ago today.

No, not by Elvis. But, thankfully, we found a version of Elvis on Fremont Street immediately after our Las Vegas ceremony.

When we married Dave was 29 and I was 33 and we were living in Chicago. He was an IT professional with MTV networks and I worked in the nonprofit sector. With very different careers, we truly admired what the other was doing. Dave was always the biggest fan of the work I did – when we met I was the director of programs for a lesbian/gay/bi/trans nonprofit and from there he encouraged me to take a leap of faith and apply to be the CEO of a rape crisis center. I got the job and, oh, how I loved it. And Dave loved his job. A few years later, Dave had the chance to be relocated to New York to work for the parent company of MTV and as much as I would miss my job and my friends, I joyfully supported his interview process. A few months later we were living in New York. Since that time, we have continued to fearlessly try new jobs, and ultimately new careers, because we had each other’s back.

We’ve supported one another well beyond our careers. Shortly after getting married, we decided to try to make a baby. The trying part was a blast, but it wasn’t resulting in a pregnancy. We flirted with infertility doctors and procedures briefly but when we moved to New York, we decided to put that process on hold. Instead of jumping to alternatives – adoption, more IVF procedures, surrogacy, fostering, or no kids – we decided to stop trying and stop talking about it for a few months. About six weeks into the self-imposed silence we were out for dinner and I looked up at him and blurted out, “This is what I want. Just us.” Me too, he told me, and that was it. We transitioned from infertile to childfree-by-choice and 14 years after that decision, we still have zero regrets.

Dave took up running a couple of years after we moved to New York. He went from the couch to a marathon. (I mean seriously, why start with a 5k when you can run 26.2 miles?) I had no interest in running but I cheered him on and supported him as he trained. A few years later, I quit smoking. Fearful I would gain weight as a result, I begrudgingly took up running. I ran my first 10k race. (I mean why run a 5k when I could run 6.2 miles?) I loved it so much that I ran a half-marathon. After that race I said I would never do that distance again and was emphatic that I would never run a marathon. Dave laughed. Six months later I ran my first full marathon – 26.2 miles y’all – and another four half-marathons that year. Dave ran all of those races, too. We trained together, joined a running club together, and cheered one another on when we took on the sport of triathlon.

In my late 30s, I went vegetarian. I met a goat in Kenya who was subsequently slaughtered, stewed, and served. When I returned to the U.S., Dave tried to go vegetarian with me. After three weeks – seeing he was clearly miserable – I reminded him that just because I wanted to be vegetarian, I certainly didn’t expect him to be. He went back to eating meat (and thankfully kept making vegetarian meals for me). I continued as a vegetarian for eight years, before deciding to go vegan early in 2010. Dave was a bit perplexed about the how-to’s of cooking vegan; that’s when I pulled up my big girl pants and started cooking for myself.

And, as most of you know, that catapulted me into vegan blogging, followed by co-authoring a vegan book, followed by walking away from a six-figure job and career to become a “professional vegan” – a writer and consultant. Though Dave wasn’t vegan during that time, he was proud of me. (And wow, did I get flack for having a non-vegan partner; I wrote about it here: Confessions of a vegan lifestyle coach: I have an omnivore husband.) He was proud and supportive. Once I went vegan, we began focusing our philanthropy toward vegan and animal rights groups, at his suggestion, because he knew it was important to me. Over the years Dave gladly attended PETA events, Our Hen House gatherings, and Woodstock Farm Sanctuary tours.

I never once insisted Dave go vegan. I never made snide comments to make him feel bad. I just set my personal boundaries: I won’t buy animal flesh, by-products or fibers and I won’t use them. He got it and for many years he cooked for himself. When we moved from New York to our first apartment in Colorado Springs he said he thought we should keep the house vegetarian. No more meat in the house! He did eat it outside of the home. When we bought our condo, he suggested we keep a completely vegan home. All without prodding from me.

In 2014, I went through the PCRM Food For Life instructor training. While there, I learned some startling facts about cancer. Dave’s father – no longer with us – had prostate cancer. I texted him and asked if he would consider taking the PCRM 21-day Vegan Kickstart. I told him that it would be good for me to witness his experience, which would help me with future clients, and that it might be really good for him physically. He said okay. At the end of the 21 days, quite coincidentally, we attended the one-night-only showing of Cowspiracy in Denver. On our way home he turned to me and said, “I know how you feel about animals and I just don’t connect in the same way. But what we’re doing to the environment? I connect to that. I think I’m going to try to be more vegan.” And he has been, for over a year. I fondly refer to him as my reluctantly vegan husband (he occasionally eats vegetarian outside of our home).

We are so different from who we were in 1998. We both work for ourselves – me as a writer and vegan cooking and lifestyle coach and him as a triathlon and swim coach – something neither of us could have imagined 17 years ago. Our values have changed, our outlook on the world has changed, and how we live and love has changed.

But one thing has never changed. We remain each other’s biggest supporters. And though we don’t always agree on everything, we do respect one another’s right to an individual opinion. That mutual respect gave me the space to go vegan and stay vegan. And it gave Dave the space to take all the time he needed.

Happy anniversary, Dave. Thank you for 17 years of love, respect, and compassion.

Tags: vegan marriage

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