Hey, if I could embrace my grey hair in 2010, after dying it for 20+ years,
why not embrace a few extra pounds?
Each January, for the past five years, I’ve found myself weighing about 8 – 10 pounds over my “happy weight.” I would buy the latest edition of The South Beach Diet, re-enroll in the online Weight Watchers plan or purchase a personal training package from my gym. I would diet.
By March or April I would find myself down 10 -13 pounds, below my “happy weight.” I would spend my spring and summer running marathons (now half-marathons) and training and competing in triathlons. Yet I would continue to “diet” (Rice, no thanks? Bread? No, I’ll have a bread-less sandwich, thank you very much.) Essentially I was always dieting, simply to maintain the weight loss. Late summer / early fall, well into my training, I would finally heed my body’s call and begin eating healthy breads, rice and grains. And the scale would start climbing.
This year the weight started climbing earlier than usual. After “going vegan” I started cooking. I mean really cooking. Healthy, hearty, fabulous vegan food. I fell in love with food. I moved from depriving myself to allowing myself to savor and enjoy every morsel of the (mostly) healthy foods.
Last January I began working with a nutrition counselor, Jill, to try a cleanse for the first time. I admit, it was my 2010 attempt to drop the 8 – 10 pounds. I did lose several pounds but learned that cleansing isn’t for weight loss. I “dieted” through the spring and continued to meet with Jill throughout the year to guide me on my vegan transition and then to tackle some health issues connected to diet. We recently had our last session of the year. She asked me if I had any concerns. I said “Yes, once again my weight is up and I need to diet.” She queried me as to why I felt like I needed to diet. I explained that every year I find myself 8 – 10 pounds over my happy weight. Jill said that she saw me experiencing an incredibly healthy relationship with food. That I was enjoying it. She went on to make two simple observations. 1) Maybe this is my weight. 2) Perhaps, if I bought some larger clothes, I might actually realize I look good now.
Buy bigger clothes?
I went out the following weekend and bought a pair of jeans, a pair of slacks, a skirt and a dress. I loved how I looked in my new clothes. On Monday at work, in a sassy new dress, a colleague asked “Have you lost weight?” Nope. My clothes fit. What a concept.
Interestingly, this conversation had come up with friends before my consultation with Jill. I have two dear friends, Erin and Kari, with whom I have trained for triathlons, with whom I have gained weight and with whom I have dieted. In October I told them that I was re-thinking my “happy weight” because I wasn’t happy. They were very supportive and reminded me that I looked good at that very moment.
Also interesting, I shared with two other friends, Lisa and Susan, my conversation with Jill and her observation about my new relationship with food. We three had a fabulous girlfriend weekend this summer in San Diego that included lots of food in, and lots of food out. Lisa’s response to Jill’s observation was surprising. She said that she had never seen me enjoy food so much as this summer and that it was such a contrast to a girl’s weekend several years ago when I declined her offer of just one M&M because “I can’t eat that” (pre-vegan days, it was about the calories, not the milk chocolate).
Let’s talk about this whole “happy weight” thing. First, it’s an arbitrary number that I’ve tried to reach and maintain for oh, 20 years. Hello! I’m 45; I’m peri-menopausal; I have hypothyroidism. Maybe, just maybe that number needs to go up? Second, what’s so freaking happy about a weight that I have to starve myself to achieve and maintain? Not one damned happy thing about that!
All of these years I’ve been asking myself the wrong questions. Instead of asking “How did I gain this weight?” and “What did I do wrong?” I should have simply asked “Why do you keep trying to get to a weight that you cannot maintain?” Maybe happy is right now, this 8 – 10 pound increase that I experience, and maintain, each year? Or perhaps happy isn’t attached to a number?
Here’s me in May
at what I perceived to be a happy weight
Here’s me today
Ten pounds heavier and healthy and happy.
It’s January. People are dieting. I am not.
I will, however, get back on track with a (moderate) exercise routine and chill on the vegan cookies and candy and drink (a little) less red wine. I’m not planning on letting go of good health and good fitness but I am letting go of a weight and size that I simply cannot maintain.
I am going to buy more clothes in my new size. I’m going to train for a half-marathon for the joy and fitness of it, not as a weight loss strategy. I’m going to buy a bigger size of triathlon gear because I’m not concerned about wearing size small, I just want to be in the game!
I’m going to eat (brown) rice and sandwiches (with bread) whenever I want.
I’m going to fall in love with my rounder belly, my rounder hips, my rounder, healthier me.
Will you join me? Will you ask yourself if you really need to diet or if, in fact, you just need to clean up your eating a bit? Will you ask yourself it you look great right now? Will you consider donating the pair of jeans you haven’t been able to wear for five years instead of torturing yourself trying to fit into them? Will you embrace your size, whatever it is, and simply find the clothes that fit you well and make you feel great?
Let me know…